Days
by MyMagentaPeach
Summary: When Blaine first transfers to Dalton he is in the closet. But once he is out how does he tell his first boyfriend, Kurt, about the cutting he had felt he had needed to cope back way before they knew each other. WARNING: Mentions of cutting.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Glee.

**A/N:** I needed ... something. And a friend suggested writing. So here I am. Miserable and rotten feeling, ... but here.

* * *

**Days**

* * *

On those days Blaine usually cuts. Rips his skin wide open and then ... sits and watches something heal. Takes weirdly twisted strength for days from the fact that his body still has this ability, while his mind needs this pain to be shocked into quietness, mend from there, or maybe just conjure up a new storm inside.

His mind is twisted.

Or maybe it isn't. But either way it feels like that. ... so where is the difference.

Blaine cannot see it, ... or feel it.

Then again, Blaine does not feel like he is feeling anything much but confusion and self-hate today. _'One of those days.' _

Today is one of those days. Only as he gets out the razor blade and is about to set it to his skin there is this wave that washes all over him. As he sinks back in the chair his limbs heavy and numb the blade soundlessly clatters to the thinly carpeted floor.

Rotten, Blaine feels rotten. So weirdly rotten and caught up in his own mind even the thought of hurting himself escapes him. Hushes by instead of thoroughly crossing it.

Is there something to hold on to? Anything? _'Is there something worth holding on to?' _

Dalton is no dark place. He knows of his luck of being here.

But none of that makes up for how miserable he feels inside, how much he hates himself for running, from all those bullies, from himself. Most of all _'... from myself.'_

No one knows him here. So _'no one can love me.' _

People at his old school thought they knew him, because then he still tried to be visible, seen.

People at his old school thought they knew him, and hated him for what he made them see in his place. Blaine still is unsure what that had been.

So ... Blaine does not trust anyone.

So ... Blaine does not trust himself.

So ... Blaine is in the closet. Miserable and rotten feeling and sick with fear most days. Of what he does not know. Someone finding out? He himself breaking and blurting it out during the next Warbler party playing truth or dare. He always takes truth. _'No one can make you not make it up.' _Dares are different. If someone dared him to take off his shirt ... .

He has told not a single soul since Sadie Hawkins. Does not know how. Hates himself, hates himself so much ...; at first cutting seemed like a good idea today, has for weeks now. Every day.

Looking down at his lower belly he knows, if he stops now those scars _'... might with some luck and in time still all fade away again. As if nothing has ever happened.' _

Blaine is even torn about wanting that.

He will always know, will always have to know all the bad things he has done in his life, to others, to himself. Feelings like that do not fade. They sometimes vanish, like in a magic trick. Only to resurface a whole new horror.

'_How can I live with myself?' _

How does anyone?


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **

Well you know me. Found some more of that today inside me.

* * *

**Days**

**Chapter 2**

* * *

And then Blaine meets a boy. A boy he wants to know him, a boy he wants to know.

Blaine had never expected to love someone so much he, even though he sits shaking in front of Kurt right now, does not feel afraid, not of Kurt, not of how he might react. It is the guilt sending the tremble of his nerves through his body, helpless to fight it.

"Hey," Kurt reaches over to where Blaine is sitting shaking beside him on Blaine's bed. "What's wrong?"

"I love you."

"I know," Kurt answers with a gentle squeeze to Blaine's hands, and when the hazel eyed boy looks up at Kurt, Kurt adds, "I love you, too."

The tremble worsens for a moment as a deep, shaky breath is forcefully pushed from Blaine's body. It has not been long since they have first exchanged these words, and it still gives both boys a heady, dizzy feeling to say and especially to hear it.

Blaine does not want their firsts to be tainted or dominated by what his body is bound to reveal to Kurt one day.

Blaine knows right now he has the choice to be in control, and he will always choose that if he can instead of being out of it.

So with a ton of doubt about how to do this weighing down his heart Blaine scoots away from Kurt a little, pulls his hands free and reaches for the fabric of his own shirt. "I need you to know. I need us to talk about this now, because I don't want you to find out by accident. I want us to have time to talk about it like we do today, my house empty, you staying over, … if you still want after seeing this."

"Blaine, what do you m… ?" Kurt's voice dies away on his tongue as Blaine lifts his shirt and pulls it clean off.

"Say something," Blaine begs.

But Kurt does not say anything as he scoots closer, reaches out and gently caresses the plains of a chest he has never seen unclothed before, only felt through fabrics heavy, never thin.

Kurt had never understood why Blaine had insisted on wearing an extra layer when they were making out, even in the first heights of summer the past weeks. Now he knows.

Blaine feels Kurt's lips on his as he searches forward, and then he feels Kurt's silent tears on his skin. Hears a gasped out "Blaine," swallowed almost instantly by both their lips.

They kiss soft and tenderly, for a long time, end up lying on Blaine's bed together, Kurt curled against Blaine's chest. Blaine caressing Kurt's hair, while Blaine's breaths still shake and hitch as Kurt keeps caressing his skin, now hidden somewhat again under a thin T-shirt.

"Some you did not make," Kurt states.

"I got the fist scars from the attack."

"Sadie Hawkins," Kurt mumbles quietly, it is not a question.

"I …," Blaine almost chokes on the words, needs several tries to go on, "I felt so broken, and scared and my body … it showed some of it, but inside I felt so much more broken than those precisely into my body torn surgical scars could ever show, and I just … I …, this is so stupid."

Kurt presses kisses along Blaine's clothed chest, up his bare neck to his cheek, and as Blaine turns towards him onto Blaine's lips, "Nothing about this is stupid."

Blaine's breath shakes as he goes on, "I didn't want to forget. I didn't want others to forget either. But no one ever took notice."

"Are you still cutting?"

"Wes found me once. He cared. He helped me. He was there, and after a while … I stopped. I made myself stop. I'm not sure how or why."

Some tears slide down Blaine's cheeks then, in between Kurt's fingers and into his palms gently cupping Blaine's face, expression pained, Kurt now hovering over Blaine on his bed. "What is it?"

"I'm scared sometimes that I might start again one day," Blaine says averting his gaze from Kurt's eyes.

"You don't ever have to face that alone," Kurt hums softly, placing a kiss to Blaine forehead, the boy beneath Kurt pulling Kurt closer, letting go off all the tears and holding on to Kurt for dear life.


End file.
